Very often, when we encounter a problem, it is helpful to read more about that problem so that we can try to better address it. This is true with practical issues: How do I fix the clog in my sink? How do I change the ringtone on my phone? It is also true with emotional and interpersonal issues: How do I feel less depressed? How can I improve my marriage? How do I procrastinate less?
In many cases, practical guidance can help us learn how to improve or fix the problem we are facing. But, sometimes, particularly when it comes to our emotional and relational life, knowing something doesn’t actually translate to improving the issue at hand.
What do we do when we know what the problem is, but we cannot translate this into what we do or how we feel? I know I should work out, but I don’t. I know that my parent’s harsh words are about their own insecurity and not me, but it still makes me feel badly. I know I shouldn’t date people based on “potential,” but I keep doing it anyway.
There is, of course, no simple answer to this. But there are a few things that can help get us started.
1. You are not doing something wrong. This is a fundamental struggle of the human condition. If it was easy to translate knowledge about a problem into what we do or how we feel, there would be few people struggling at all. When we shame ourselves for not being able to do this well or as quickly or as easily as we want, we actually make the problem worse. Occasionally, shame can change behaviors in the short-term, but it will make things worse in the long-term. You’ll be able to address your problem better if you show understanding and patience to yourself.
2. Understand how brains work. The limbic system is one part of the brain and it is in charge of instinct, safety, survival, and basic emotions such as fear, pleasure, or anger. It helps us to control things such as hunger, sex drive, and our flight, fawn, and fight responses. The prefrontal cortex is the more rational part of the brain that helps us to weigh information, think through complex problems, and plan for the long-term. We often imagine that our logical, thinking self (driven by our prefrontal cortex) is “running the show” for us, but there is a lot of evidence that humans overestimate how much power the prefrontal cortex has over our actions and feelings. It turns out that our limbic system has a strong influence on what we do and how we feel. Thus, one part of translating what we know into what we do and how we feel is to find ways to connect with or “speak to” the limbic part of our brain that is concerned with visceral, basic issues of safety (physical and emotional), human connection (which has been important evolutionarily for survival), pleasure, hunger, and fear. Often our limbic system is feeling scared, protective, angry, seeking pleasure, or being hypervigilant in ways that defy what we “know” in our prefrontal cortex. Pay attention to your visceral responses to things, the underlying feelings and resistances that are seeking ways to create comfort, safety, or to give voice to parts of you that might feel irrational but are there and need to be processed and released. When we meet our foundational needs, we are better able to put our prefrontal cortex to good use.
3. Ask how your history has shaped you. Very often, patterns we experience as children shape our habits, instincts, and ways of relating to others as adults. Our childhood experiences shape our limbic system in profound ways. Often, we struggle to translate what we know to how we feel or what we do when childhood patterns, experiences, or ways of relating to others are unconsciously interfering with what we know (in our prefrontal cortex) to be the behavior or feelings we would want. Now that we are grown-ups, we ask ourselves how we might shift and change the strategies we developed as children for safety, protection, and connection. It is time to develop some new and healthier strategies.
4. Get help. Very often, our culture tells us that we can figure things out if we just try hard enough, read enough, research enough, or plan enough. But it turns out, we are not designed to do human life on our own. Often we need help. Finding a psychotherapist that you connect with, or supportive friends and family, or a doctor or alternative practitioner can help you address some of the ways your knowledge/mind is disconnected from your practices and feelings.
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If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy and coaching to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).
If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.
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