Nearly 10% of people struggle with infertility at some point in their lives. For some people, this is difficult, sad, and frustrating, but it does not rise to the level of trauma or grief. But for many people, the longing to have a child or more children, the stress of fertility treatments, or the inability to grow their family in the way that they imagined is so stressful, so disruptive, and so painful that it is traumatic and causes deep grief. This happens to people who are not able to have the pregnancy and child that they wanted, but it also happens to people even when they are eventually able to become pregnant and welcome a baby into the world.
If you find your infertility journey causing depression, anxiety, sleep disruption, uncontrollable crying, or impacting your ability to connect with yourself or others, you may be experiencing infertility grief or trauma. The most important things to know about this are that this is real, your feelings and experiences are legitimate and understandable, and you are not doing anything wrong.
Below are five insights that many people struggling with infertility grief and trauma find helpful as they seek healing and recovery:
1. The first step toward healing is to name these issues, and acknowledge how difficult they are. You do not need to “be tougher” or “stronger.” You do not need to look on the bright side. You do not need to pretend to be okay with something that hurts this much. You are going through something so hard, scary, sad, or disruptive that it can feel like it is almost too much to bear. This rearranges us in fundamental ways. This is a human reaction to a horrible situation. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t bother someone else as much. It doesn’t matter if other things in your life are good. What matters is that this is how you are experiencing it and in order to find ways forward, ways to heal, we must first name: This is awful. This hurts. It is unfair. I don’t know how to handle this. I am having lots of overwhelming or painful feelings about this.
2. Feelings are not wrong. You cannot have wrong feelings. Feelings are messages from our brain, heart, mind, spirit, and body. We live in a culture that often does not want people to feel their feelings. They say: You are too much. This is too much. Feel differently. Experience things differently. See things a different way. Focus on the good. But this does not actually change or heal feelings. What this does is tell us to swallow our feelings, push them down, or ignore them. Often, it can feel like something is wrong with us because we are having these feelings and can’t make them disappear. Part of the healing process is to acknowledge, name, and experience our feelings so that we can release them. This can be difficult if we don’t have practice listening to our feelings or naming them, and if we don’t have the support around us that provides the empathy and support we need as we learn to listen to and express our feelings.
3. Finding support is essential. Partners, friends, and family can provide us some measure of support and care, but there are often limits to their ability to provide the sort of care we need. Many times, those around us are not able to hold the intensity or complexity of experiences and feelings around infertility. Many who are struggling with the trauma and grief related to infertility find that a support group specifically for people struggling with infertility or a therapist who specializes in infertility is an important part of the path to recovery and healing. If therapy or a support group feels like too much, sometimes there are online groups or message boards that can help.
4. Find ways to comfort and nurture yourself. This looks different for everyone, but when we are hurting and struggling, it is all the more important to find healthy ways to ease our pain and take care of ourselves. This might be small things like a walk in fresh air, your favorite comfort food, or a foot rub. It also might be bigger things like taking a month or two off from treatments so you can take a short trip without having to worry about medications, embryo transfers, or timing of intercourse. If you have people around you who want to support you, think about what would help: a meal delivered? help cleaning the house? time to listen to you vent? a friend to go out for tea? You do not have to be the hero. It is healthy to accept support when offered, or to ask for it as you need it. Neither small nor big comforts will fix anything. Yet, the act of honoring our longings, our desire for comfort, and our own needs is important both physically and mentally as we seek to make it through this.
5. There is a path to healing and recovery. Things will not always be like this. Even though grief and trauma never disappear, many people find that with time, therapy, and support, the pain is not as sharp or unbearable as it once was. The grief and the trauma of not having the pregnancy and family that we dreamed of will change us – even if we eventually get what we long for and especially when we don’t. The space that grief and trauma take up in our life can change and shift over time. The love we have for the baby we long for or wanted is real. Part of healing and recovery is finding ways to honor this love we have, and to draw on it, so that it can be part of own healing and recovery.
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If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. Dr. Elizabeth works with many clients who struggle with infertility, and she has also been through infertility herself so she understands first-hand how difficult it can be. She provides in-person and remote therapy and support to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).
If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.
Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.
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