Often, when a couple comes to therapy, one partner says something like: “I love my partner, I want to stay with them, but they won’t change in the ways I need/want them to.” By the time couples are in therapy, this is not usually about about one or two small things. This is about bigger issues that are fundamental to a functioning relationship. In order to figure out how to address our hope or desire that our partner changes, there are a few questions we should ask about the situation.
1. Does your partner want to change? If the answer to this question is, “No,” none of the other questions are going to be very helpful. It is very hard to change even when we want to change. So, if you want your partner to change and they have repeatedly said that they do not want to change, particularly if they have said this over a long period of time, there is no amount of therapy or effort on your part that can fix this. If your partner does not want to change, the issue is really about deciding if you can or should live with the way things are. Even though it is very frustrating, and movies and fairytales might lead us to believe otherwise, people cannot sustainably change meaningful things about themselves if they do not want to.
2. Is your partner capable of change? Sometimes, we can be overly hopeful, imagining that with enough hard work and love, people can achieve anything. Maybe they occasionally make a little bit of progress, which gives us hope. But there are actually some things people cannot sustainably improve, even if they want to. Too often, we are taught that we should always believe in others no matter what, that true love and commitment should be unconditional, and we especially want to do this with people we love. But if you are struggling with an important issue between you and your partner, it is essential to consider if you are asking something beyond what your partner is capable of. For most of us, hoping for a miracle is not a good long-term strategy to make a relationship work. It is not fair – to us or to our partner – if we are hoping for a change that isn’t possible for them.
3. Is your partner committed to the work? When we want to change and we are capable of change, we still have to be committed to the work that that change will take. This is often time-consuming and stressful, and can be expensive if we need therapy, medical treatment, or to go into rehab. As you and your partner consider the changes you are hoping for, keep in mind that most meaningful change will take hard work over a long period of time. Just like we have to work hard if we want to become skilled at an instrument or a sport, we also have to work hard if we want to address our relationship and mental health issues.
4. Does your partner have the resources needed to change? Resources are not just financial, but also involve time and energy. When people are dealing with deep issues, for instance, those related to trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, infidelity, or abuse, they typically need skilled professional help in order to improve. This will take time and energy and there are often financial costs, even when we have health insurance. Your partner needs to have access to the time, financial resources, and energy needed to bring about sustainable change.
5. Are you committed to the work? Addressing relationship problems is never going to be quick or easy. Even if there is one partner that needs to do a lot of the changing, both partners are going to have to find a way to work together in empathetic, patient, and collaborative ways. You might be saying, “But it is mostly THEIR issue. They are the one that [fill in the blank – cheated, doesn’t listen, is addicted, is mean, is never home, is depressed, etc.].” This is an understandable feeling. But, practically, it just won’t work to say: “You messed it up. You fix it.” If you want to get your needs met by your partner and for them to change so that you can find a way to stay together, you’ll have to be part of the solution.
6. How long can you wait? Often, by the time there is a major problem in a relationship, it isn’t new. Additionally, as adults, whatever our issues are, we have been dealing with them for a long time. Even if someone wants to change, can change, has the resources to change, and is committed to the work, change is not usually fast. There are going to be starts and stops, mistakes, and difficult times. Healing is not a linear process. Sometimes, it might be a year or two before we have a good sense of how things are going and how likely it is for things to improve. One thing to consider as you seek change in your relationship is how long you are willing to wait for the change you seek. How much progress is enough and what are the important benchmarks along the way to know enough progress is being made fast enough?
All relationships are going to have challenges and problems. Some things we can live with, some things are just part of being human. But, healthy adult love is not unconditional or unlimited. Both partners need to be able to work together to address challenges, and very often one partner needs to address major issues in order for the relationship to be mutually healthy and fulfilling. This is possible! But, because of cultural and popular stories about “true love” and “relationship miracles,” too often we think that love, hope, and a little effort and patience are all we need to make a relationship work. Usually, it requires more than this.
If you want to dig deeper into how we can improve our romantic relationships and marriages, Terrence Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman all have great books about relationships with helpful, realistic, and practical advice grounded in years of psychotherapeutic practice and rigorous studies. You can read more about these books on our resources page.
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If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.
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