Author: Elizabeth

Healing, Practical Tips, Recovery

Are We Doing It wrong?

Elizabeth

One of the most common issues that people bring to the healing/growing process is, “What am I doing wrong? How have others managed to make good/stable/happy lives, but my life is kind of a mess?” Often we have a sense that if we could do something better or differently, or if we could just be a better or different person, then our lives would not be so hard or messy.

It turns out that it isn’t you. Despite what it might seem like from casual conversation or social media, things are kind of a mess for most people. Your mess and stress and problems are not because you are doing something wrong or something is wrong with you, but it is because we live in a world that isn’t set up for peace, well-being, connection, joy, or physical and emotional health. A significant part of the process of healing, growing, or making progress toward what you are longing for is learning, at a deep level, nothing is wrong with you and you aren’t somehow uniquely bad at doing life.

How do we do this?

The first thing to know is that there are multiple paths to the sort of life you are longing for. There is no one right way to do this. You might try something, it won’t work, and need to readjust and explore another path. It is a process of learn-as-you-go.

The second thing to know is that there are no easy answers. If someone tells you, “If only you do [this thing], then things will get better,” be skeptical. The process of healing, growing, and figuring out life is complex and has a lot of layers. You cannot meditate, work out, work hard, or pray enough to get the life you are longing for.

Third, you can’t do this on your own. We are wired for connection to other people. We know that even in the womb and in our earliest weeks, months, and years of life, our brain and sense of self forms based on our relationship with our caregivers. (See Attachment in Psychotherapy for some great summaries of this research). Our relationships in childhood and adulthood shape who we are and how we feel. We need healthy, strong, trusting, and caring relationships in order to make progress toward healing. This can be with friends, family, members of a religious community, neighbors, as well as with your therapist or a support group. Finding these people can be hard, but it is possible over time.

Fourth, the journey toward feeling that something is not fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are not somehow uniquely bad at doing life, is an iterative process. That is, we make some progress, then things are hard again. We improve in one area, we are struggling more in an other. There is no end to the path of making this world and our lives closer to what we are longing for. Just because it is still hard and you’re not all better, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Healing and growth are not linear processes.

Finally, try being curious and gentle with your challenges. If being hard on yourself worked, we would be all better by now. Rather than telling yourself that you aren’t doing enough, or good enough, try to take a step back and be curious. Think of your most loving caregiver, teacher, or relative and imagine how they might respond to someone struggling, and see if you can imagine what it would be like to approach yourself with the same level of compassion, care, and support.

I know most people try hard
to do good and find out too late
they should have tried softer.
― Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightening

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Healing, Recovery, Trauma

Book Review – The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

Elizabeth

The book offers rather dramatic promises: that it “will transform your relationship with yourself and the world around you,” and “with perfect clarity,” it will open “the door to a life lived in the freedom of your innermost being.” Not only did this book fail to deliver on its overstated promises, as a psychotherapist, I found the teachings in the book to be potentially harmful.

The main refrain of the book is the author telling the reader that if you just see things differently, learn to let go, and recognize the reality of things, you’ll be much happier. He explicitly states that you can never have any problems again, ever, if you just try hard enough and do the right things (as outlined in this book). He suggests,

Don’t allow events to leave impressions inside of you. If you find yourself thinking about them later on, just let go.

According to the author, if you do this enough, you will reach a state of peace and flow, and “once you reach this state, you will never have to worry about anything ever again.”

It is true that there are probably a few helpful ideas within this book, if you decontextualize them from overall argument. Yes, it is true that it is possible to change how we understand things. Yes, it is possible to develop new patterns of thinking. Yes, it is possible to rearrange what is important to us. But this is not a matter of just deciding to do these things, and, for many, such shifts are incredibly difficult, and incremental over a lifetime.

Yet, rather than provide some possibilities of how we might make shifts in our thought patterns or priorities, the author repeatedly makes sweeping statements about dramatic changes that people should make, minimizing the effort, support, resources, and time that this takes most people.

Further, the author does not acknowledge any of the last several decades of research on the ways that childhood trauma and neglect profoundly shape our capacity for self-love, healthy relationships, or psychological well-being, or how people do or should handle loss or grief or trauma. The brain simply is not capable of preventing “events” in our life or history from “leaving lasting impressions inside” of us as the author suggests we should do. This is, in fact, a central part of what it means to be human: to have a memory, to experience life and be shaped by it.

Likewise, the author belies a complete misunderstanding of addiction and how it works neurologically, medically, and socially. He notes, “The way you stop smoking is to stop putting cigarettes in your mouth. All the other techniques are just ways that you think will help. But the bottom line is, all you have to do is stop putting cigarettes in your mouth. If you do this, it’s guaranteed that you will stop smoking.” This is not only simplistic and naive, but for those who struggle with addiction, it is harmful because it implies that addressing addiction is simple, clear, and a matter of will. It risks increasing the sense of shame and failure for those who struggle to recover from addition, which then makes recovery all the more challenging.

At its best, this book is the equivalent of your well-meaning uncle who tells you over Thanksgiving dinner, when he founds out that you are struggling with profound depression after husband left you, that if you would just cheer up and realize things are not as bad as they seem and appreciate the good in your life then you will feel better. Yet, there is a reason that your uncle does not publish books of his well-meaning advice. It is because it hurts when someone offers simple solutions to your complex problems and implies that you could recover if you were only willing to do the right things. This is, at once, insulting and counterproductive.

The answer this author presents to the parent whose child has died of cancer is that this is only a problem because they see it as a problem – that it is a problem that they have created in their mind.

This author tells the person who is suffering from PTSD after being sexually assaulted that they should “just let go.”

Why has this book sold so many copies? Because we desperately want to believe that the complex problems of existence have simple solutions. We want to believe that we can do it on our own: just don’t put a cigarette in your mouth. Just don’t think about the thing in your past that upsets you. Just decide to be happy. Singer himself has clearly been drawn in by the siren song of individual effort and simplistic explanations for the chaos of our world. But, if it were so simple, we would not need to pay Singer $14.95 for his repetitive promises of salvation via better thinking and individual effort.

My overall concerns with the book can be summed up in this lovely little piece of wisdom from p. 92: “It is actually possible to never have another problem for the rest of your life.” It demonstrates that this author’s take is, “If you just see things differently [as I am explaining them to you] things will be fine.”

Such a claim ultimately has profoundly concerning consequences for people who are struggling with depression, grief, loss, or trauma because the implication is that if you are still hurting or miserable, it is because YOU are not looking at things right or doing the right things. For people who are struggling with PTSD, severe mental illness, grief, loss, racism or sexism, terminal illness, war and displacement, hunger and poverty, the loss of a child, or an out of order death, just to name a few issues, this is not only helpful, but it doubles down on blaming those who are suffering. You could stop this if you would do the right things and try hard enough.

This is an irresponsible book. There are ways to suggest that people might learn to see things differently, that they might change thought patterns, habits, or perspectives in ways that are helpful or beneficial. There are rich spiritual and intellectual traditions that emphasize the importance of non-attachment and how we can shift our mindsets. But this book goes far beyond this, suggesting that you need not ever have another worry again and that this is just a matter of effort and mindset. Those who try this and inevitably fail are thus left to conclude that something is indeed wrong with them that they cannot do the clear and simple things outlined in this book that are so matter of fact and, according to the author, so readily available to everyone.

Let us continue to remind each other that the path to healing will not be simple. It need not be something you do alone. It will not be easy or clear or the same for everyone. Anyone who tells you different is selling something.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Addiction, Divorce, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships

When You Can’t Get Them to Change

Elizabeth

Often, when a couple comes to therapy, one partner says something like: “I love my partner, I want to stay with them, but they won’t change in the ways I need/want them to.” By the time couples are in therapy, this is not usually about about one or two small things. This is about bigger issues that are fundamental to a functioning relationship. In order to figure out how to address our hope or desire that our partner changes, there are a few questions we should ask about the situation.

1. Does your partner want to change? If the answer to this question is, “No,” none of the other questions are going to be very helpful. It is very hard to change even when we want to change. So, if you want your partner to change and they have repeatedly said that they do not want to change, particularly if they have said this over a long period of time, there is no amount of therapy or effort on your part that can fix this. If your partner does not want to change, the issue is really about deciding if you can or should live with the way things are. Even though it is very frustrating, and movies and fairytales might lead us to believe otherwise, people cannot sustainably change meaningful things about themselves if they do not want to.

2. Is your partner capable of change? Sometimes, we can be overly hopeful, imagining that with enough hard work and love, people can achieve anything. Maybe they occasionally make a little bit of progress, which gives us hope. But there are actually some things people cannot sustainably improve, even if they want to. Too often, we are taught that we should always believe in others no matter what, that true love and commitment should be unconditional, and we especially want to do this with people we love. But if you are struggling with an important issue between you and your partner, it is essential to consider if you are asking something beyond what your partner is capable of. For most of us, hoping for a miracle is not a good long-term strategy to make a relationship work. It is not fair – to us or to our partner – if we are hoping for a change that isn’t possible for them.

3. Is your partner committed to the work? When we want to change and we are capable of change, we still have to be committed to the work that that change will take. This is often time-consuming and stressful, and can be expensive if we need therapy, medical treatment, or to go into rehab. As you and your partner consider the changes you are hoping for, keep in mind that most meaningful change will take hard work over a long period of time. Just like we have to work hard if we want to become skilled at an instrument or a sport, we also have to work hard if we want to address our relationship and mental health issues.

4. Does your partner have the resources needed to change? Resources are not just financial, but also involve time and energy. When people are dealing with deep issues, for instance, those related to trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, infidelity, or abuse, they typically need skilled professional help in order to improve. This will take time and energy and there are often financial costs, even when we have health insurance. Your partner needs to have access to the time, financial resources, and energy needed to bring about sustainable change.

5. Are you committed to the work? Addressing relationship problems is never going to be quick or easy. Even if there is one partner that needs to do a lot of the changing, both partners are going to have to find a way to work together in empathetic, patient, and collaborative ways. You might be saying, “But it is mostly THEIR issue. They are the one that [fill in the blank – cheated, doesn’t listen, is addicted, is mean, is never home, is depressed, etc.].” This is an understandable feeling. But, practically, it just won’t work to say: “You messed it up. You fix it.” If you want to get your needs met by your partner and for them to change so that you can find a way to stay together, you’ll have to be part of the solution.

6. How long can you wait? Often, by the time there is a major problem in a relationship, it isn’t new. Additionally, as adults, whatever our issues are, we have been dealing with them for a long time. Even if someone wants to change, can change, has the resources to change, and is committed to the work, change is not usually fast. There are going to be starts and stops, mistakes, and difficult times. Healing is not a linear process. Sometimes, it might be a year or two before we have a good sense of how things are going and how likely it is for things to improve. One thing to consider as you seek change in your relationship is how long you are willing to wait for the change you seek. How much progress is enough and what are the important benchmarks along the way to know enough progress is being made fast enough?

All relationships are going to have challenges and problems. Some things we can live with, some things are just part of being human. But, healthy adult love is not unconditional or unlimited. Both partners need to be able to work together to address challenges, and very often one partner needs to address major issues in order for the relationship to be mutually healthy and fulfilling. This is possible! But, because of cultural and popular stories about “true love” and “relationship miracles,” too often we think that love, hope, and a little effort and patience are all we need to make a relationship work. Usually, it requires more than this.

If you want to dig deeper into how we can improve our romantic relationships and marriages, Terrence Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman all have great books about relationships with helpful, realistic, and practical advice grounded in years of psychotherapeutic practice and rigorous studies. You can read more about these books on our resources page.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Grief, Infertility, Miscarriage, Parenting, Pregnancy

When Pregnancy Loss is Devastating

Elizabeth

Some people have a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it is disappointing or sad. But for many of us, when a pregnancy ends and there is not a healthy baby for us to love and care for, this can be more than difficult or sad, but it can be devastating.

The first thing to know is that there is no right way to experience or understand the end of a pregnancy. Some people call it a miscarriage – others don’t like that term. Some say, “My baby died,” and for others, it doesn’t feel like it was a baby. Some people who are very distressed after a pregnancy loss are pro-choice and support people’s rights to make decisions about their body, and still they grieve deeply after a pregnancy loss. Some people find out that their baby would be born with life-threatening or fatal issues if a pregnancy was carried to term, and they decide to end the pregnancy in order to reduce suffering. There are a million reasons pregnancy ends. There are many ways to understand and experience this. The important thing to know is that feelings are not wrong. There is no right way to handle this.

If you are feeling devastated and wondering how to cope with this, there are a few things you can do to begin to process this grief. Of course, you will never truly “get over” the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy or child, but there are ways to begin to recover and heal.

1. This can feel very lonely. Know that you are not alone. Our culture does not adequately recognize pregnancy loss as the loss of a child or as a major life event, particularly if a person is not yet visibly pregnant. So, on top of feeling as though we’ve lost a child, lost hope, lost a future of first steps, first words, first days of school, we also often feel alone in our loss. When we are hurting, it is important for other people to truly see us, to really hear where we are coming from. So there is often an added layer of loneliness to this loss.

2. You don’t have to “move on” or “look on the bright side.” When people encourage us to move on after pain or grief, or to “appreciate the good things,” this doesn’t actually result in “moving on” or feeling better. It encourages us to push our feelings down, hide them, or ignore them. This will not help you heal or recover. Thus, in order to begin to handle your devastation, it is important to feel your feelings and find people who will support you as you recover. Some people find a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility, pregnancy loss, or grief to be helpful, but it also might be a support group of people who have had similar experiences, a close friend, or understanding and empathetic family. Sometimes we need to tell our friends and family: I need you to support me right now. I need you to respond empathetically. I am not ready to hear encouragement to “move on” or “be positive” right now.

3. Many people take comfort in ways to ritualize or memorialize their baby. Sometimes people bury their baby in their yard and put a small gravestone there or flowers. Some families like to name the baby. It is okay to name your baby after he or she has died, and you don’t have to know the gender. Some people sense if it was a boy or a girl, maybe you already know the gender, or you might select a gender-neutral name. If you can’t bury your baby or don’t want to, it can be special to make a small memorial garden or area for them with colored or painted stones and/or plants and flowers. You can do this in a yard or a small pot in a window or a porch. Sometimes people get a small memorial tattoo, or frame the ultrasound picture. In some cases, having a small funeral or ceremony for your baby can be really special and meaningful. You can do this alone, with family or friends, at home or with a faith community that you feel connected to. Finally, some people find it helpful to write a letter to their baby and many believe that baby can hear and understand the content of the letter, even if baby is not physically here with us.

4. This is not your fault. We live in a culture that likes to have a good reason for why things happen and, honestly, often likes to blame women and mothers for things. If you are feeling guilt about this loss, please know that this is not your fault. Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen and there is no good reason and no one is at fault. Growing a little human is a complex process and estimates are that between 1 and 3 and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Although it is heartbreaking and unfair, this is not something you caused. This is a time to practice being gentle on yourself and nurturing yourself as you recover from your grief.

5. This is a time for comfort. You do not have to “bounce back” quickly from this or buck up. When we are grieving, this is a time to nurture ourselves and take care of ourselves. This helps with the healing process. If you are able, this is a time to do things that help you to relax and bring you comfort. This might be snuggling up with a good book or tv show, a massage or pedicure, extra snuggles from your sweetie, coffee with a friend, or keeping a vase of your favorite flowers nearby. These are different things for everyone. And, of course, sometimes we are not able to do this because of other children or responsibilities. But, if you can, try to find ways to care for yourself during this delicate and painful time.

6. You get to decide how to understand your experience. It is okay to talk about your baby’s birthday (or not). It is okay to talk about being a mother (or not). It is okay to understand yourself as having labored (or not). Many people find it helpful to name that they labored and gave birth, there was a baby (no matter what size or how many weeks!), and that there is a birthday of baby. When there is a pregnancy loss, it can sometimes be treated as a minor event. And, for some people it is, and that is okay. But for many people it is a devastating loss. You are not “making a big deal of things.”

7. Postpartum depression is real after a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. Your baby does not have to born alive for you to experience the hormonal and emotional effects of pregnancy, labor, and birth. Of course, the risk of depression is also increased by the trauma, devastation, sadness, and/or grief that many people experience after a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. Pay attention to how you are feeling. If you are struggling to get out of bed, to stop crying, to eat, to take care of your living children, to be present in relationships, or to take care of yourself after an initial period of shock and grief, you should speak with a caring, empathetic medical professional who specializes in infertility, pregnancy loss, or grief in order to assess what kind of additional support or care you may need.

Additional resources:

Pink Elephant is an organization focused on support and advocacy after miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They provide resources and information for both mental health as well as issues related to the medical aspect of miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

Tommy’s is an organization that offers information on miscarriage both in terms of the medical issues with recurrent losses, as well as the mental health challenges involved in miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They have a Facebook support group.

The Worst Girl Gang Ever is an organization founded by two women who have experienced losses that helps offer support after pregnancy loss and miscarriage. They have an Instagram account, podcast, support groups, and other resources.

Jessica Berger Gross wrote About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope. This book can help those who have experienced a miscarriage to feel less alone. People who are still feeling very emotional or vulnerable about a miscarriage may find this triggering.

Jessica Zucker wrote I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement. Zucker is a therapist who had a miscarriage. She has done a lot of important work to destigmatize miscarriage. People who are still feeling very emotional or vulnerable about a miscarriage may find this triggering. She also has an Instagram feed and has written a range of articles on miscarriage and pregnancy loss..

You are not alone.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author of this post and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. Dr. Elizabeth has experienced multiple pregnancy losses, so she is able to support clients both from a psychotherapeutic perspective, as well as from her own experiences. She provides empathetic and caring in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).

If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, Instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Grief, Infertility, Pregnancy, Trauma

The Trauma and Grief of Infertility

Elizabeth

Nearly 10% of people struggle with infertility at some point in their lives. For some people, this is difficult, sad, and frustrating, but it does not rise to the level of trauma or grief. But for many people, the longing to have a child or more children, the stress of fertility treatments, or the inability to grow their family in the way that they imagined is so stressful, so disruptive, and so painful that it is traumatic and causes deep grief. This happens to people who are not able to have the pregnancy and child that they wanted, but it also happens to people even when they are eventually able to become pregnant and welcome a baby into the world.

If you find your infertility journey causing depression, anxiety, sleep disruption, uncontrollable crying, or impacting your ability to connect with yourself or others, you may be experiencing infertility grief or trauma. The most important things to know about this are that this is real, your feelings and experiences are legitimate and understandable, and you are not doing anything wrong.

Below are five insights that many people struggling with infertility grief and trauma find helpful as they seek healing and recovery:

1. The first step toward healing is to name these issues, and acknowledge how difficult they are. You do not need to “be tougher” or “stronger.” You do not need to look on the bright side. You do not need to pretend to be okay with something that hurts this much. You are going through something so hard, scary, sad, or disruptive that it can feel like it is almost too much to bear. This rearranges us in fundamental ways. This is a human reaction to a horrible situation. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t bother someone else as much. It doesn’t matter if other things in your life are good. What matters is that this is how you are experiencing it and in order to find ways forward, ways to heal, we must first name: This is awful. This hurts. It is unfair. I don’t know how to handle this. I am having lots of overwhelming or painful feelings about this.

2. Feelings are not wrong. You cannot have wrong feelings. Feelings are messages from our brain, heart, mind, spirit, and body. We live in a culture that often does not want people to feel their feelings. They say: You are too much. This is too much. Feel differently. Experience things differently. See things a different way. Focus on the good. But this does not actually change or heal feelings. What this does is tell us to swallow our feelings, push them down, or ignore them. Often, it can feel like something is wrong with us because we are having these feelings and can’t make them disappear. Part of the healing process is to acknowledge, name, and experience our feelings so that we can release them. This can be difficult if we don’t have practice listening to our feelings or naming them, and if we don’t have the support around us that provides the empathy and support we need as we learn to listen to and express our feelings.

3. Finding support is essential. Partners, friends, and family can provide us some measure of support and care, but there are often limits to their ability to provide the sort of care we need. Many times, those around us are not able to hold the intensity or complexity of experiences and feelings around infertility. Many who are struggling with the trauma and grief related to infertility find that a support group specifically for people struggling with infertility or a therapist who specializes in infertility is an important part of the path to recovery and healing. If therapy or a support group feels like too much, sometimes there are online groups or message boards that can help.

4. Find ways to comfort and nurture yourself. This looks different for everyone, but when we are hurting and struggling, it is all the more important to find healthy ways to ease our pain and take care of ourselves. This might be small things like a walk in fresh air, your favorite comfort food, or a foot rub. It also might be bigger things like taking a month or two off from treatments so you can take a short trip without having to worry about medications, embryo transfers, or timing of intercourse. If you have people around you who want to support you, think about what would help: a meal delivered? help cleaning the house? time to listen to you vent? a friend to go out for tea? You do not have to be the hero. It is healthy to accept support when offered, or to ask for it as you need it. Neither small nor big comforts will fix anything. Yet, the act of honoring our longings, our desire for comfort, and our own needs is important both physically and mentally as we seek to make it through this.

5. There is a path to healing and recovery. Things will not always be like this. Even though grief and trauma never disappear, many people find that with time, therapy, and support, the pain is not as sharp or unbearable as it once was. The grief and the trauma of not having the pregnancy and family that we dreamed of will change us – even if we eventually get what we long for and especially when we don’t. The space that grief and trauma take up in our life can change and shift over time. The love we have for the baby we long for or wanted is real. Part of healing and recovery is finding ways to honor this love we have, and to draw on it, so that it can be part of own healing and recovery.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. Dr. Elizabeth works with many clients who struggle with infertility, and she has also been through infertility herself so she understands first-hand how difficult it can be. She provides in-person and remote therapy and support to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).

If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Marriage, Narcissism, Relationships

Is My Partner a Narcissist?

Elizabeth

Calling someone a narcissist has become a common way of indicating that we think someone is abusive, very unkind, habitually dishonest, harmful, or toxic.

When we ask, “Is my partner a narcissist?” what we are really saying is, “I am looking for an explanation of why a relationship has been very difficult, confusing, stressful, harmful, scary, and/or has felt impossible to make work.” Often, along with this, we are often also asking how to improve this relationship or if we should end this relationship.

1. Is an official diagnosis important?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a specific diagnosis that is in the DSM-5-TR which is the manual that many mental health providers use to classify mental disorders, particularly for insurance purposes. This can be helpful for many people, but it also is just one way of understanding and framing the challenges that people face and there is a fair amount of controversy about the way things are classified in the DSM. You can read the explanation for narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5-TR here, but for many people this will not really help you answer the question, “Is my partner a narcissist?” and likewise will not provide a helpful way forward.

So, while sometimes a clear mental health diagnosis can help, very often a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is not essential to help us answer the questions we are wondering about. The very fact that we are asking if someone is a narcissist is a clue that there are serious issues that we are struggling to understand and respond to. Sometimes we get fixated on an official or clear “diagnosis,” but unless you are a mental health care provider treating someone and you need to file insurance paperwork for reimbursement, this is not essential. It is more helpful to ask, “Does my partner exhibit narcissistic tendencies?” This is something we can answer without mental health training.

2. What are some characteristics of someone who has narcissistic tendencies?

  • frequent resistance to admitting they are wrong
  • difficulty apologizing or refusal to admit fault when they have caused harm or hurt
  • inability or notable difficulty tolerating or handling uncomfortable or negative feelings
  • a sense that, usually, others are not right and they almost always know better
  • consistent and/or intense resistance to negative feedback or requests for change
  • regularly causing harm and hurt to people around them
  • desire or tendency to be very controlling
  • their needs or perspective seem to frequently take precedence over those around them
  • they are regularly unable or unwilling to meet the emotional or material needs of those who depend on them
  • pronounced difficult with memory, particularly, although not exclusively, with respect to interpersonal issues
  • there is a pronounced disconnect between the words they speak and how they act
  • conversations or arguments are frequently confusing and difficult to keep track of
  • pronounced need for feeling special, unusually smart, unique, or talented, and having this affirmed by others
  • strong or frequent resistance when their perspective, views, or preferences are challenged
  • insistence that they are the primary interpreter of their words or actions even if it seems to contradict how those around them hear or experience their words or actions
  • inability or unwillingness to respond in caring ways to the suffering or feelings of those close to them
  • pronounced sense of self-importance
  • frequent dishonesty
  • frequent criticism of others
  • limited expressions of empathy
  • unreasonable sense of being able to achieve or accomplish great or important things
  • inability or unwillingness to make permanent or steady improvements on these issues

Any one of these does not mean someone “is a narcissist.” To a greater or lesser degree, most people struggle with some of these issues some of the time. That said, if someone exhibits many of these characteristics and they seem to be a defining part of the way they operate in the world, it is likely that using a lens of narcissism may help understand this person and your relationship with them.

3. Where can I learn more about narcissism?

There is a significant gap between popular writing on narcissism and the research-based literature. For instance, much of the popular writing on narcissism insists that narcissists know what they are doing when they harm others, are doing this on purpose, and enjoy this. This perspective is not reflected in clinical literature. Similarly, much of the popular literature insists that narcissists cannot benefit from psychotherapy or treatment – that there is almost no hope for recovery or improvement. The view in the clinical literature is more nuanced. While there are some people for whom improvement is very difficult and unlikely, psychotherapy can be effective in helping people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies who would like to recover and improve, and who are committed to this task. In short, many of the books, podcasts, and blogs you find may have helpful parts to them. That said, it is important not to take any one source as definitive and to realize that there are a range of perspectives on narcissism, prospects for recovery, and paths to healing for those who are in or have been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies.

Nancy McWilliams provides an excellent overview of the clinical literature in “Narcissistic Personalities,” Chapter 8 of Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process, Second Edition (The Guilford Press, 2011).

Margalis Fjelstad’s book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life provides some very helpful and practical guidance for someone who is still in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. This applies not only to a romantic partner, but also to a co-parent or family member. The book also deals with whether or not continuing the relationship makes sense.

4. Can my partner get better or improve?

People who exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies or who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can improve. That said, this almost always requires five things:

First, your partner must consistently acknowledge that their behavior is a problem. An occasional acknowledgement of problematic behavior is not enough.

Second, your partner must, consistently and over a long period of time, want to address their challenges. An occasional wish to improve will not be enough.

Third, your partner must be willing to get regular psychotherapy with someone who is able to provide care to clients who struggle with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. Not all therapists and not all approaches to therapy are appropriate for this. Short-term cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the norm in the United States, will not be adequate.

Fourth, your partner must be willing to consistently, and over a long period of time, do the hard work of understanding and healing the underlying issues that have led to narcissistic tendencies.

Fifth, your partner must be willing to consistently, and over a long period of time, work to change their behaviors.

So, while your partner may be able to get better or improve, you can see that it takes a lot and it is never fast. For many people who struggle with narcissistic tendencies, it is difficult or impossible for them to do what it takes to heal and improve.

5. How can I help my partner get better?

The first step to helping your partner to get better is to begin your own healing work. The most ideal step is to find a psychotherapist that focuses on narcissism and/or codependency. If this is not possible for you, there are many free in-person or online support groups that can be a good place to start. You also might read some books such as The New Codependency or Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love You. You will not be able to help your partner if you are not able to take care of yourself and understand the role you play in your relationship dynamic.

The second step to helping your partner get better is to come to terms with the fact that we are not able to make other people want to get better and we are not able to make them heal or act differently. Our love for our partner, or our efforts to help them, cannot make them heal or change. This is us trying to do the work for someone else. It deprives them of the opportunity to do the work themselves. If they are to get better, it will have to come from within them. When we step back and stop trying to make them be a certain way, we give them the opportunity to seek recovery resources and help from appropriate sources (not us). If they do not or cannot do this, then we know things will not improve.

The third step to helping your partner to get better is to consider what you would need in order to end the relationship with your partner. Are finances involved? Are children involved? Do you feel your safety would be at risk if you ended the relationship? Do you feel so attached to them you fear you’d have a breakdown without them? It does not help your partner for you to stay in a relationship with them because you cannot leave them. This is dishonest and unhealthy. One way to help your partner is to begin to address the practical reasons that you might be staying in this relationship. This is likely best done with a psychotherapist or a trusted friend or family member. Begin to create the circumstances that would allow you to leave the relationship if things don’t get better. It does not serve you or your partner for you to stay around because you can’t see a way out.

Finally, you can help your partner by better understanding the role that shame plays in narcissistic behavior and personality structures. Very often, we think that if we explain things enough to our partner, or get upset enough with them, or show them more clearly how much they are hurting us, they will be able to see what is happening. They will be able to see and understand the pain they are causing, and how unfair and unreasonable they are being. But, often, this is counterproductive because, as we point out the problems, as we explain things, as we share how hurtful they are being, we are inadvertently triggering the shame and inadequacy that is at the heart of much narcissistic behavior and personality structure. In many ways, this final step takes us back to the other three: our job has to be our own healing because even well-intentioned efforts of explaining things to our partner, of showing them how they are harming or hurting people they love, are often a part of the shame cycle. If you are reading this, you’ve probably already told your partner that they are hurting you. You’ve already explained to them what you need and want from the relationship. You’ve already communicated what would help. Doing this over and over doesn’t make it more likely to work. Your goal now has to be to do your own healing work so that, if your partner also wants to do their healing work, you will be ready to be a part of a new dynamic where you are not a savior, victim, parent, or therapist in your relationship.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy and coaching to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).

If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Healing

How do I translate what I know to what I do or how I feel?

Elizabeth

Very often, when we encounter a problem, it is helpful to read more about that problem so that we can try to better address it. This is true with practical issues: How do I fix the clog in my sink? How do I change the ringtone on my phone? It is also true with emotional and interpersonal issues: How do I feel less depressed? How can I improve my marriage? How do I procrastinate less?

In many cases, practical guidance can help us learn how to improve or fix the problem we are facing. But, sometimes, particularly when it comes to our emotional and relational life, knowing something doesn’t actually translate to improving the issue at hand.

What do we do when we know what the problem is, but we cannot translate this into what we do or how we feel? I know I should work out, but I don’t. I know that my parent’s harsh words are about their own insecurity and not me, but it still makes me feel badly. I know I shouldn’t date people based on “potential,” but I keep doing it anyway.

There is, of course, no simple answer to this. But there are a few things that can help get us started.

1. You are not doing something wrong. This is a fundamental struggle of the human condition. If it was easy to translate knowledge about a problem into what we do or how we feel, there would be few people struggling at all. When we shame ourselves for not being able to do this well or as quickly or as easily as we want, we actually make the problem worse. Occasionally, shame can change behaviors in the short-term, but it will make things worse in the long-term. You’ll be able to address your problem better if you show understanding and patience to yourself.

2. Understand how brains work. The limbic system is one part of the brain and it is in charge of instinct, safety, survival, and basic emotions such as fear, pleasure, or anger. It helps us to control things such as hunger, sex drive, and our flight, fawn, and fight responses. The prefrontal cortex is the more rational part of the brain that helps us to weigh information, think through complex problems, and plan for the long-term. We often imagine that our logical, thinking self (driven by our prefrontal cortex) is “running the show” for us, but there is a lot of evidence that humans overestimate how much power the prefrontal cortex has over our actions and feelings. It turns out that our limbic system has a strong influence on what we do and how we feel. Thus, one part of translating what we know into what we do and how we feel is to find ways to connect with or “speak to” the limbic part of our brain that is concerned with visceral, basic issues of safety (physical and emotional), human connection (which has been important evolutionarily for survival), pleasure, hunger, and fear. Often our limbic system is feeling scared, protective, angry, seeking pleasure, or being hypervigilant in ways that defy what we “know” in our prefrontal cortex. Pay attention to your visceral responses to things, the underlying feelings and resistances that are seeking ways to create comfort, safety, or to give voice to parts of you that might feel irrational but are there and need to be processed and released. When we meet our foundational needs, we are better able to put our prefrontal cortex to good use.

3. Ask how your history has shaped you. Very often, patterns we experience as children shape our habits, instincts, and ways of relating to others as adults. Our childhood experiences shape our limbic system in profound ways. Often, we struggle to translate what we know to how we feel or what we do when childhood patterns, experiences, or ways of relating to others are unconsciously interfering with what we know (in our prefrontal cortex) to be the behavior or feelings we would want. Now that we are grown-ups, we ask ourselves how we might shift and change the strategies we developed as children for safety, protection, and connection. It is time to develop some new and healthier strategies.

4. Get help. Very often, our culture tells us that we can figure things out if we just try hard enough, read enough, research enough, or plan enough. But it turns out, we are not designed to do human life on our own. Often we need help. Finding a psychotherapist that you connect with, or supportive friends and family, or a doctor or alternative practitioner can help you address some of the ways your knowledge/mind is disconnected from your practices and feelings.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy and coaching to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).

If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Interview

Get to Know Your Counselor: Interview with Jim Gish

Elizabeth

Can you tell us a little bit about your background?

Jim Gish: I grew in Western Kentucky in the bosom of an incredible family where I felt cherished and loved beyond measure. I also grew up in the white hot forge of the Southern Baptist Church. It was a contradiction which, in the end, was to cause me to be both conflicted and uncertain about my own moral grounding. Unconditional love is a pure gift from God, but an atmosphere of absolutism and judgement cannot exist easily in a sensitive soul without also having deeply troubling consequences. My family saved me with its cosmic and all pervading love, but the knee jerk reaction to judge and pigeon hole other humans was a blemish on my soul and one I still deal with every day, and this dark strain is a product of the church in many ways.

In any case, my background as a rural, Southern male marked me with a fear of emotionalism in any form. This set up a standard of denial which twisted my soul. I realized, at an early age, I must find some sort of redemption and enlightenment lest I be scarred forever and disappear down that “toxic masculinity” rabbit hole which has destroyed so many Southern males. So, while my background formed me, it also pushed me into deep self-examination which continues to this day. Let me say, finally, that it was love and more love which snatched me back from the edge of the abyss.

What led you to study psychology?

Jim Gish: At the risk of sounding like a cliché, I became entranced with psychology because it gave me a vehicle to excavate my own belief systems and my heart. I wanted to know why and where and when I solidified into this sort of strange creature who was dabbling in existentialism at the age of fifteen without even knowing the term. I was confused and I wanted answers which resonated with me and gave me hope. I know that psychology does not have all the answers, but it allows us a way to begin to understand ourselves, our relationships, and our peculiarities.

How does your identity as a writer influence your work as a pastoral counselor?

Jim Gish: I have always maintained and continue to believe that my gift/curse for writing has been so very important in being able to understand myself and others and the world. In the explication of a character, one sees a hundred possible selves and knows that there are never simple answers to cosmic questions. I write and write to understand the world and my own role in a world, which is desperate for enlightenment and truth. Writing is cathartic and has given me a sense of control over the universe in some ways. I can write into being what I see, feel, hear, long for, and wonder about. I can write the reality of the hurt and pain of our world, but also the beauty and hope.

I know you have two cats, can you spend a little bit of time discussing the role of companion animals in healing and well-being?

Jim Gish: I must say that I have always loved animals. I grew up with dogs but our cats were barn cats who did not even have names. Then the miracle of my life, the birth of my two daughters, changed my world. When they became attached to stray cats and then moved a cat inside the house to protect him, I began my long love affair with these wonderful creatures. There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” I’m not sure he ever really said it, but I think it gets repeated because there are enough of us that believe it. I truly believe in the healing power of animals. Our cats that I helped my daughters raise, and then raised myself, have all been excellent therapists who have loved me and healed me at so many different levels. At a time when my life seemed to be without meaning or hope, these amazing babies snuggled down beside me as I went to bed and told me that I had worth, that I was their cat dad and that they loved me. I know many people experience this with their dogs, or horses, or other animal friends that they connect with in a way that is sometimes hard to do with people. For many of us, animals are a solace for the soul. When one hears the term “creatures of God” I think of my cats and all the companion animals who take such good care of their people.

I know books are a big part of your life. What three books have influenced you the most?  

Jim Gish: I am a writer of fiction, and so I should have lots of inspirational biographies to note, but the first book which changed my life was How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnagie. I was twelve years old and to read a book which addressed social skills was a revelation.

Since then, I have to alternate between fiction and non-fiction. Lie Down in Darkness by William Styron was my awakening to lyricism and of beautiful language in order to engage the soul. I have read the book ten times and it never ceases to amaze me that Mr. Stryron explained (without explaining) that a writer is an interpreter of reality and life, and when that is done with poetic language, it transcends its own medium and becomes a celestial event of self-revelation. It set me on the road to filtering life through a poetic and other-worldly medium. So many books have reinforced my belief in the divine. I am in awe of words and ideas which may be our only devices toward  ultimate truth and the road toward salvation. If that seems too mystical, I plead guilty.

Other books included To Kill a Mockingbird, Catcher in the Rye, and Lord of the Flies. I must interject that this whole subject is open to subjectivity and one’s natural inclinations. All hard won truths are necessarily intermingled with one’s spiritual inclination and one’s own cosmic adventures and needs.

I have also been really moved by the writings of Eckhart Tolle who writes about the way old emotional pain is carried in our bodies and how by returning to the present, and to the here and now, where we learn to accept what cannot be changed, we can begin to heal.

What are the three pieces of advice you would give to someone starting on the journey to understand themselves and to become healthier and more grounded?

Jim Gish: Because the questions change endlessly and the answers change endlessly, this will necessarily be an eclectic response. And even in the act of remembering and recording my responses, there are a thousand parenthetical pauses, but I will soldier on.

One piece of advice which has come back to me over and over is that the spiritual component of your life is a necessary and crucial connection for your philosophy and your ultimate answers, no matter how diverse are their origins and their answers. I remember one day in 1985 reading a line from Louise Hay, who wrote You Can Heal Your Life, which stopped me in my tracks: what you send out into the universe is what you will get back, over and over. If you are an angry, unhappy human being, you will live that fateful path and pass it onto your children. There are so many countless generations of unhappiness and fear and and inability to find peace of mind. In turning again and again to our spirits and to the holy, we can begin to transform what we put out into the universe.

Just recently I read a short essay which started out with these words: Raise the kind of child who you would love to be friends with. I thought that captured so much truth in a short sliver of advice.

Finally, and I think what I would like for a t-shirt to wear often, is the simple advice: Love and gratitude and forgiveness is all you know on earth and all you need to know. It is simple, of course, but not easy. And I realize it might sound quaint, like rainbows and unicorns, but really it is deeply hard work. I have to pull myself back and again and again to gratitude and love, because our world is one that encourages us to always want more, to never be satisfied, to complain, and be judgmental. It is hard to go against the grain of this in the world.

What have you learned going through your own “dark night of the soul?”

Jim Gish: I have learned that I must learn to love myself before I can love the universe. I have learned that tragedy is a part of everyone’s life and we must pray without ceasing and forget the ego and forget rampant materialism and forget ten thousand petty incidents which we thought were very serious and nearly fatal. Something I tell my students over and over is that life is full of great happiness and great tragedy and no one gets out of life without both of those. Yet, in the end, your life is about peace of mind, and all the hearts and souls you have touched. I still believe that even though sometimes I forget to live it.

What would you say to those who believe that therapy is for others and not for them?

Jim Gish: I would say that this answer is a way to deflect the very serious business of excavating the soul and discovering our truest selves. I would advise them to do lots of research and not to be discouraged if the first therapist is not perfect. There is someone out there for you. The growth one embraces as the tiny insights grow through therapy has probably saved many lives and brought joy and peace to many lives. It took us a long time to get where we are, so change to where we want to be is not usually overnight.

When no considers the statistic that seventy percent of suicides occur because of unaddressed depression and fear and the insatiable maw of minor madnesses, then you see the possibility of hope and salvation in therapy and personal truth. A good counselor meets you where you are at, and helps walk alongside you when you are longing for a life that is different than what you have now. Walking with my clients is a true joy, in many ways because I have struggled too and want to give back to the world that has given me so much despite my flaws and many mistakes.

Interview Conducted with Elizabeth Gish: April 2022

Uncategorized

Welcome to Lotus & Phoenix

Elizabeth

This is our first blog post and it is short and simple. More writings will come, but I (Elizabeth) just want to start by welcoming you to our little online space. We created Lotus & Phoenix out of love and out of care. This world is tough going for a lot of people. We know first hand that it can be challenging to find a psychotherapist that you can comfortably talk to and that is helpful. We have been studying pastoral counseling, psychotherapy, religion (and religious trauma), healthy relationships, and recovery for many years. We have also been in therapy ourselves for many years because we deeply believe that in order to support others, we have to do our own healing and our own work.

We strive to make sure that our time together, whether online or in person, is meaningful and comfortable. We are flexible and can adjust to meet your needs. Some people need a psychotherapist to hear them and provide care and empathy. Some people need additional resources or insight. A lot of times we aren’t sure what we need until we talk about it with someone. Others want to approach challenges from a faith standpoint, while others want to process the pain and hurt that has come from being a part of a harmful faith community. We are here for that. For all of it. With no judgement. No shame. We believe in you and we are excited to journey alongside you as you find ways to create the sort of life you long for.