Some people have a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it is disappointing or sad. But for many of us, when a pregnancy ends and there is not a healthy baby for us to love and care for, this can be more than difficult or sad, but it can be devastating.
The first thing to know is that there is no right way to experience or understand the end of a pregnancy. Some people call it a miscarriage – others don’t like that term. Some say, “My baby died,” and for others, it doesn’t feel like it was a baby. Some people who are very distressed after a pregnancy loss are pro-choice and support people’s rights to make decisions about their body, and still they grieve deeply after a pregnancy loss. Some people find out that their baby would be born with life-threatening or fatal issues if a pregnancy was carried to term, and they decide to end the pregnancy in order to reduce suffering. There are a million reasons pregnancy ends. There are many ways to understand and experience this. The important thing to know is that feelings are not wrong. There is no right way to handle this.
If you are feeling devastated and wondering how to cope with this, there are a few things you can do to begin to process this grief. Of course, you will never truly “get over” the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy or child, but there are ways to begin to recover and heal.
1. This can feel very lonely. Know that you are not alone. Our culture does not adequately recognize pregnancy loss as the loss of a child or as a major life event, particularly if a person is not yet visibly pregnant. So, on top of feeling as though we’ve lost a child, lost hope, lost a future of first steps, first words, first days of school, we also often feel alone in our loss. When we are hurting, it is important for other people to truly see us, to really hear where we are coming from. So there is often an added layer of loneliness to this loss.
2. You don’t have to “move on” or “look on the bright side.” When people encourage us to move on after pain or grief, or to “appreciate the good things,” this doesn’t actually result in “moving on” or feeling better. It encourages us to push our feelings down, hide them, or ignore them. This will not help you heal or recover. Thus, in order to begin to handle your devastation, it is important to feel your feelings and find people who will support you as you recover. Some people find a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility, pregnancy loss, or grief to be helpful, but it also might be a support group of people who have had similar experiences, a close friend, or understanding and empathetic family. Sometimes we need to tell our friends and family: I need you to support me right now. I need you to respond empathetically. I am not ready to hear encouragement to “move on” or “be positive” right now.
3. Many people take comfort in ways to ritualize or memorialize their baby. Sometimes people bury their baby in their yard and put a small gravestone there or flowers. Some families like to name the baby. It is okay to name your baby after he or she has died, and you don’t have to know the gender. Some people sense if it was a boy or a girl, maybe you already know the gender, or you might select a gender-neutral name. If you can’t bury your baby or don’t want to, it can be special to make a small memorial garden or area for them with colored or painted stones and/or plants and flowers. You can do this in a yard or a small pot in a window or a porch. Sometimes people get a small memorial tattoo, or frame the ultrasound picture. In some cases, having a small funeral or ceremony for your baby can be really special and meaningful. You can do this alone, with family or friends, at home or with a faith community that you feel connected to. Finally, some people find it helpful to write a letter to their baby and many believe that baby can hear and understand the content of the letter, even if baby is not physically here with us.
4. This is not your fault. We live in a culture that likes to have a good reason for why things happen and, honestly, often likes to blame women and mothers for things. If you are feeling guilt about this loss, please know that this is not your fault. Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen and there is no good reason and no one is at fault. Growing a little human is a complex process and estimates are that between 1 and 3 and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Although it is heartbreaking and unfair, this is not something you caused. This is a time to practice being gentle on yourself and nurturing yourself as you recover from your grief.
5. This is a time for comfort. You do not have to “bounce back” quickly from this or buck up. When we are grieving, this is a time to nurture ourselves and take care of ourselves. This helps with the healing process. If you are able, this is a time to do things that help you to relax and bring you comfort. This might be snuggling up with a good book or tv show, a massage or pedicure, extra snuggles from your sweetie, coffee with a friend, or keeping a vase of your favorite flowers nearby. These are different things for everyone. And, of course, sometimes we are not able to do this because of other children or responsibilities. But, if you can, try to find ways to care for yourself during this delicate and painful time.
6. You get to decide how to understand your experience. It is okay to talk about your baby’s birthday (or not). It is okay to talk about being a mother (or not). It is okay to understand yourself as having labored (or not). Many people find it helpful to name that they labored and gave birth, there was a baby (no matter what size or how many weeks!), and that there is a birthday of baby. When there is a pregnancy loss, it can sometimes be treated as a minor event. And, for some people it is, and that is okay. But for many people it is a devastating loss. You are not “making a big deal of things.”
7. Postpartum depression is real after a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. Your baby does not have to born alive for you to experience the hormonal and emotional effects of pregnancy, labor, and birth. Of course, the risk of depression is also increased by the trauma, devastation, sadness, and/or grief that many people experience after a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. Pay attention to how you are feeling. If you are struggling to get out of bed, to stop crying, to eat, to take care of your living children, to be present in relationships, or to take care of yourself after an initial period of shock and grief, you should speak with a caring, empathetic medical professional who specializes in infertility, pregnancy loss, or grief in order to assess what kind of additional support or care you may need.
Additional resources:
Pink Elephant is an organization focused on support and advocacy after miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They provide resources and information for both mental health as well as issues related to the medical aspect of miscarriage and pregnancy loss.
Tommy’s is an organization that offers information on miscarriage both in terms of the medical issues with recurrent losses, as well as the mental health challenges involved in miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They have a Facebook support group.
The Worst Girl Gang Ever is an organization founded by two women who have experienced losses that helps offer support after pregnancy loss and miscarriage. They have an Instagram account, podcast, support groups, and other resources.
Jessica Berger Gross wrote About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope. This book can help those who have experienced a miscarriage to feel less alone. People who are still feeling very emotional or vulnerable about a miscarriage may find this triggering.
Jessica Zucker wrote I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement. Zucker is a therapist who had a miscarriage. She has done a lot of important work to destigmatize miscarriage. People who are still feeling very emotional or vulnerable about a miscarriage may find this triggering. She also has an Instagram feed and has written a range of articles on miscarriage and pregnancy loss..
You are not alone.
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If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author of this post and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. Dr. Elizabeth has experienced multiple pregnancy losses, so she is able to support clients both from a psychotherapeutic perspective, as well as from her own experiences. She provides empathetic and caring in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).
If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, Instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.
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