Relationships – Lotus & Phoenix

Often, when a couple comes to therapy, one partner says something like: “I love my partner, I want to stay with them, but they won’t change in the ways I need/want them to.” By the time couples are in therapy, this is not usually about about one or two small things. This is about bigger issues that are fundamental to a functioning relationship. In order to figure out how to address our hope or desire that our partner changes, there are a few questions we should ask about the situation.

1. Does your partner want to change? If the answer to this question is, “No,” none of the other questions are going to be very helpful. It is very hard to change even when we want to change. So, if you want your partner to change and they have repeatedly said that they do not want to change, particularly if they have said this over a long period of time, there is no amount of therapy or effort on your part that can fix this. If your partner does not want to change, the issue is really about deciding if you can or should live with the way things are. Even though it is very frustrating, and movies and fairytales might lead us to believe otherwise, people cannot sustainably change meaningful things about themselves if they do not want to.

2. Is your partner capable of change? Sometimes, we can be overly hopeful, imagining that with enough hard work and love, people can achieve anything. Maybe they occasionally make a little bit of progress, which gives us hope. But there are actually some things people cannot sustainably improve, even if they want to. Too often, we are taught that we should always believe in others no matter what, that true love and commitment should be unconditional, and we especially want to do this with people we love. But if you are struggling with an important issue between you and your partner, it is essential to consider if you are asking something beyond what your partner is capable of. For most of us, hoping for a miracle is not a good long-term strategy to make a relationship work. It is not fair – to us or to our partner – if we are hoping for a change that isn’t possible for them.

3. Is your partner committed to the work? When we want to change and we are capable of change, we still have to be committed to the work that that change will take. This is often time-consuming and stressful, and can be expensive if we need therapy, medical treatment, or to go into rehab. As you and your partner consider the changes you are hoping for, keep in mind that most meaningful change will take hard work over a long period of time. Just like we have to work hard if we want to become skilled at an instrument or a sport, we also have to work hard if we want to address our relationship and mental health issues.

4. Does your partner have the resources needed to change? Resources are not just financial, but also involve time and energy. When people are dealing with deep issues, for instance, those related to trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, infidelity, or abuse, they typically need skilled professional help in order to improve. This will take time and energy and there are often financial costs, even when we have health insurance. Your partner needs to have access to the time, financial resources, and energy needed to bring about sustainable change.

5. Are you committed to the work? Addressing relationship problems is never going to be quick or easy. Even if there is one partner that needs to do a lot of the changing, both partners are going to have to find a way to work together in empathetic, patient, and collaborative ways. You might be saying, “But it is mostly THEIR issue. They are the one that [fill in the blank – cheated, doesn’t listen, is addicted, is mean, is never home, is depressed, etc.].” This is an understandable feeling. But, practically, it just won’t work to say: “You messed it up. You fix it.” If you want to get your needs met by your partner and for them to change so that you can find a way to stay together, you’ll have to be part of the solution.

6. How long can you wait? Often, by the time there is a major problem in a relationship, it isn’t new. Additionally, as adults, whatever our issues are, we have been dealing with them for a long time. Even if someone wants to change, can change, has the resources to change, and is committed to the work, change is not usually fast. There are going to be starts and stops, mistakes, and difficult times. Healing is not a linear process. Sometimes, it might be a year or two before we have a good sense of how things are going and how likely it is for things to improve. One thing to consider as you seek change in your relationship is how long you are willing to wait for the change you seek. How much progress is enough and what are the important benchmarks along the way to know enough progress is being made fast enough?

All relationships are going to have challenges and problems. Some things we can live with, some things are just part of being human. But, healthy adult love is not unconditional or unlimited. Both partners need to be able to work together to address challenges, and very often one partner needs to address major issues in order for the relationship to be mutually healthy and fulfilling. This is possible! But, because of cultural and popular stories about “true love” and “relationship miracles,” too often we think that love, hope, and a little effort and patience are all we need to make a relationship work. Usually, it requires more than this.

If you want to dig deeper into how we can improve our romantic relationships and marriages, Terrence Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman all have great books about relationships with helpful, realistic, and practical advice grounded in years of psychotherapeutic practice and rigorous studies. You can read more about these books on our resources page.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Calling someone a narcissist has become a common way of indicating that we think someone is abusive, very unkind, habitually dishonest, harmful, or toxic.

When we ask, “Is my partner a narcissist?” what we are really saying is, “I am looking for an explanation of why a relationship has been very difficult, confusing, stressful, harmful, scary, and/or has felt impossible to make work.” Often, along with this, we are often also asking how to improve this relationship or if we should end this relationship.

1. Is an official diagnosis important?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a specific diagnosis that is in the DSM-5-TR which is the manual that many mental health providers use to classify mental disorders, particularly for insurance purposes. This can be helpful for many people, but it also is just one way of understanding and framing the challenges that people face and there is a fair amount of controversy about the way things are classified in the DSM. You can read the explanation for narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5-TR here, but for many people this will not really help you answer the question, “Is my partner a narcissist?” and likewise will not provide a helpful way forward.

So, while sometimes a clear mental health diagnosis can help, very often a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is not essential to help us answer the questions we are wondering about. The very fact that we are asking if someone is a narcissist is a clue that there are serious issues that we are struggling to understand and respond to. Sometimes we get fixated on an official or clear “diagnosis,” but unless you are a mental health care provider treating someone and you need to file insurance paperwork for reimbursement, this is not essential. It is more helpful to ask, “Does my partner exhibit narcissistic tendencies?” This is something we can answer without mental health training.

2. What are some characteristics of someone who has narcissistic tendencies?

frequent resistance to admitting they are wrong
difficulty apologizing or refusal to admit fault when they have caused harm or hurt
inability or notable difficulty tolerating or handling uncomfortable or negative feelings
a sense that, usually, others are not right and they almost always know better
consistent and/or intense resistance to negative feedback or requests for change
regularly causing harm and hurt to people around them
desire or tendency to be very controlling
their needs or perspective seem to frequently take precedence over those around them
they are regularly unable or unwilling to meet the emotional or material needs of those who depend on them
pronounced difficult with memory, particularly, although not exclusively, with respect to interpersonal issues
there is a pronounced disconnect between the words they speak and how they act
conversations or arguments are frequently confusing and difficult to keep track of
pronounced need for feeling special, unusually smart, unique, or talented, and having this affirmed by others
strong or frequent resistance when their perspective, views, or preferences are challenged
insistence that they are the primary interpreter of their words or actions even if it seems to contradict how those around them hear or experience their words or actions
inability or unwillingness to respond in caring ways to the suffering or feelings of those close to them
pronounced sense of self-importance
frequent dishonesty
frequent criticism of others
limited expressions of empathy
unreasonable sense of being able to achieve or accomplish great or important things
inability or unwillingness to make permanent or steady improvements on these issues

Any one of these does not mean someone “is a narcissist.” To a greater or lesser degree, most people struggle with some of these issues some of the time. That said, if someone exhibits many of these characteristics and they seem to be a defining part of the way they operate in the world, it is likely that using a lens of narcissism may help understand this person and your relationship with them.

3. Where can I learn more about narcissism?

There is a significant gap between popular writing on narcissism and the research-based literature. For instance, much of the popular writing on narcissism insists that narcissists know what they are doing when they harm others, are doing this on purpose, and enjoy this. This perspective is not reflected in clinical literature. Similarly, much of the popular literature insists that narcissists cannot benefit from psychotherapy or treatment – that there is almost no hope for recovery or improvement. The view in the clinical literature is more nuanced. While there are some people for whom improvement is very difficult and unlikely, psychotherapy can be effective in helping people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies who would like to recover and improve, and who are committed to this task. In short, many of the books, podcasts, and blogs you find may have helpful parts to them. That said, it is important not to take any one source as definitive and to realize that there are a range of perspectives on narcissism, prospects for recovery, and paths to healing for those who are in or have been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies.

Nancy McWilliams provides an excellent overview of the clinical literature in “Narcissistic Personalities,” Chapter 8 of Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process, Second Edition (The Guilford Press, 2011).

Margalis Fjelstad’s book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life provides some very helpful and practical guidance for someone who is still in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. This applies not only to a romantic partner, but also to a co-parent or family member. The book also deals with whether or not continuing the relationship makes sense.

4. Can my partner get better or improve?

People who exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies or who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can improve. That said, this almost always requires five things:

First, your partner must consistently acknowledge that their behavior is a problem. An occasional acknowledgement of problematic behavior is not enough.

Second, your partner must, consistently and over a long period of time, want to address their challenges. An occasional wish to improve will not be enough.

Third, your partner must be willing to get regular psychotherapy with someone who is able to provide care to clients who struggle with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. Not all therapists and not all approaches to therapy are appropriate for this. Short-term cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the norm in the United States, will not be adequate.

Fourth, your partner must be willing to consistently, and over a long period of time, do the hard work of understanding and healing the underlying issues that have led to narcissistic tendencies.

Fifth, your partner must be willing to consistently, and over a long period of time, work to change their behaviors.

So, while your partner may be able to get better or improve, you can see that it takes a lot and it is never fast. For many people who struggle with narcissistic tendencies, it is difficult or impossible for them to do what it takes to heal and improve.

5. How can I help my partner get better?

The first step to helping your partner to get better is to begin your own healing work. The most ideal step is to find a psychotherapist that focuses on narcissism and/or codependency. If this is not possible for you, there are many free in-person or online support groups that can be a good place to start. You also might read some books such as The New Codependency or Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love You. You will not be able to help your partner if you are not able to take care of yourself and understand the role you play in your relationship dynamic.

The second step to helping your partner get better is to come to terms with the fact that we are not able to make other people want to get better and we are not able to make them heal or act differently. Our love for our partner, or our efforts to help them, cannot make them heal or change. This is us trying to do the work for someone else. It deprives them of the opportunity to do the work themselves. If they are to get better, it will have to come from within them. When we step back and stop trying to make them be a certain way, we give them the opportunity to seek recovery resources and help from appropriate sources (not us). If they do not or cannot do this, then we know things will not improve.

The third step to helping your partner to get better is to consider what you would need in order to end the relationship with your partner. Are finances involved? Are children involved? Do you feel your safety would be at risk if you ended the relationship? Do you feel so attached to them you fear you’d have a breakdown without them? It does not help your partner for you to stay in a relationship with them because you cannot leave them. This is dishonest and unhealthy. One way to help your partner is to begin to address the practical reasons that you might be staying in this relationship. This is likely best done with a psychotherapist or a trusted friend or family member. Begin to create the circumstances that would allow you to leave the relationship if things don’t get better. It does not serve you or your partner for you to stay around because you can’t see a way out.

Finally, you can help your partner by better understanding the role that shame plays in narcissistic behavior and personality structures. Very often, we think that if we explain things enough to our partner, or get upset enough with them, or show them more clearly how much they are hurting us, they will be able to see what is happening. They will be able to see and understand the pain they are causing, and how unfair and unreasonable they are being. But, often, this is counterproductive because, as we point out the problems, as we explain things, as we share how hurtful they are being, we are inadvertently triggering the shame and inadequacy that is at the heart of much narcissistic behavior and personality structure. In many ways, this final step takes us back to the other three: our job has to be our own healing because even well-intentioned efforts of explaining things to our partner, of showing them how they are harming or hurting people they love, are often a part of the shame cycle. If you are reading this, you’ve probably already told your partner that they are hurting you. You’ve already explained to them what you need and want from the relationship. You’ve already communicated what would help. Doing this over and over doesn’t make it more likely to work. Your goal now has to be to do your own healing work so that, if your partner also wants to do their healing work, you will be ready to be a part of a new dynamic where you are not a savior, victim, parent, or therapist in your relationship.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy and coaching to clients across the United States and world (except where prohibited by law).

If you’d like to read more about this issue, please visit our resources page, where we have a curated selection of books, blog posts, instagram accounts, and articles that many of our clients and readers find helpful.

Category: Relationships

When You Can’t Get Them to Change

Is My Partner a Narcissist?