Healing – Lotus & Phoenix

One of the most common issues that people bring to the healing/growing process is, “What am I doing wrong? How have others managed to make good/stable/happy lives, but my life is kind of a mess?” Often we have a sense that if we could do something better or differently, or if we could just be a better or different person, then our lives would not be so hard or messy.

It turns out that it isn’t you. Despite what it might seem like from casual conversation or social media, things are kind of a mess for most people. Your mess and stress and problems are not because you are doing something wrong or something is wrong with you, but it is because we live in a world that isn’t set up for peace, well-being, connection, joy, or physical and emotional health. A significant part of the process of healing, growing, or making progress toward what you are longing for is learning, at a deep level, nothing is wrong with you and you aren’t somehow uniquely bad at doing life.

How do we do this?

The first thing to know is that there are multiple paths to the sort of life you are longing for. There is no one right way to do this. You might try something, it won’t work, and need to readjust and explore another path. It is a process of learn-as-you-go.

The second thing to know is that there are no easy answers. If someone tells you, “If only you do [this thing], then things will get better,” be skeptical. The process of healing, growing, and figuring out life is complex and has a lot of layers. You cannot meditate, work out, work hard, or pray enough to get the life you are longing for.

Third, you can’t do this on your own. We are wired for connection to other people. We know that even in the womb and in our earliest weeks, months, and years of life, our brain and sense of self forms based on our relationship with our caregivers. (See Attachment in Psychotherapy for some great summaries of this research). Our relationships in childhood and adulthood shape who we are and how we feel. We need healthy, strong, trusting, and caring relationships in order to make progress toward healing. This can be with friends, family, members of a religious community, neighbors, as well as with your therapist or a support group. Finding these people can be hard, but it is possible over time.

Fourth, the journey toward feeling that something is not fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are not somehow uniquely bad at doing life, is an iterative process. That is, we make some progress, then things are hard again. We improve in one area, we are struggling more in an other. There is no end to the path of making this world and our lives closer to what we are longing for. Just because it is still hard and you’re not all better, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Healing and growth are not linear processes.

Finally, try being curious and gentle with your challenges. If being hard on yourself worked, we would be all better by now. Rather than telling yourself that you aren’t doing enough, or good enough, try to take a step back and be curious. Think of your most loving caregiver, teacher, or relative and imagine how they might respond to someone struggling, and see if you can imagine what it would be like to approach yourself with the same level of compassion, care, and support.

I know most people try hard
to do good and find out too late
they should have tried softer.
― Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightening

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.

Often, when a couple comes to therapy, one partner says something like: “I love my partner, I want to stay with them, but they won’t change in the ways I need/want them to.” By the time couples are in therapy, this is not usually about about one or two small things. This is about bigger issues that are fundamental to a functioning relationship. In order to figure out how to address our hope or desire that our partner changes, there are a few questions we should ask about the situation.

1. Does your partner want to change? If the answer to this question is, “No,” none of the other questions are going to be very helpful. It is very hard to change even when we want to change. So, if you want your partner to change and they have repeatedly said that they do not want to change, particularly if they have said this over a long period of time, there is no amount of therapy or effort on your part that can fix this. If your partner does not want to change, the issue is really about deciding if you can or should live with the way things are. Even though it is very frustrating, and movies and fairytales might lead us to believe otherwise, people cannot sustainably change meaningful things about themselves if they do not want to.

2. Is your partner capable of change? Sometimes, we can be overly hopeful, imagining that with enough hard work and love, people can achieve anything. Maybe they occasionally make a little bit of progress, which gives us hope. But there are actually some things people cannot sustainably improve, even if they want to. Too often, we are taught that we should always believe in others no matter what, that true love and commitment should be unconditional, and we especially want to do this with people we love. But if you are struggling with an important issue between you and your partner, it is essential to consider if you are asking something beyond what your partner is capable of. For most of us, hoping for a miracle is not a good long-term strategy to make a relationship work. It is not fair – to us or to our partner – if we are hoping for a change that isn’t possible for them.

3. Is your partner committed to the work? When we want to change and we are capable of change, we still have to be committed to the work that that change will take. This is often time-consuming and stressful, and can be expensive if we need therapy, medical treatment, or to go into rehab. As you and your partner consider the changes you are hoping for, keep in mind that most meaningful change will take hard work over a long period of time. Just like we have to work hard if we want to become skilled at an instrument or a sport, we also have to work hard if we want to address our relationship and mental health issues.

4. Does your partner have the resources needed to change? Resources are not just financial, but also involve time and energy. When people are dealing with deep issues, for instance, those related to trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, infidelity, or abuse, they typically need skilled professional help in order to improve. This will take time and energy and there are often financial costs, even when we have health insurance. Your partner needs to have access to the time, financial resources, and energy needed to bring about sustainable change.

5. Are you committed to the work? Addressing relationship problems is never going to be quick or easy. Even if there is one partner that needs to do a lot of the changing, both partners are going to have to find a way to work together in empathetic, patient, and collaborative ways. You might be saying, “But it is mostly THEIR issue. They are the one that [fill in the blank – cheated, doesn’t listen, is addicted, is mean, is never home, is depressed, etc.].” This is an understandable feeling. But, practically, it just won’t work to say: “You messed it up. You fix it.” If you want to get your needs met by your partner and for them to change so that you can find a way to stay together, you’ll have to be part of the solution.

6. How long can you wait? Often, by the time there is a major problem in a relationship, it isn’t new. Additionally, as adults, whatever our issues are, we have been dealing with them for a long time. Even if someone wants to change, can change, has the resources to change, and is committed to the work, change is not usually fast. There are going to be starts and stops, mistakes, and difficult times. Healing is not a linear process. Sometimes, it might be a year or two before we have a good sense of how things are going and how likely it is for things to improve. One thing to consider as you seek change in your relationship is how long you are willing to wait for the change you seek. How much progress is enough and what are the important benchmarks along the way to know enough progress is being made fast enough?

All relationships are going to have challenges and problems. Some things we can live with, some things are just part of being human. But, healthy adult love is not unconditional or unlimited. Both partners need to be able to work together to address challenges, and very often one partner needs to address major issues in order for the relationship to be mutually healthy and fulfilling. This is possible! But, because of cultural and popular stories about “true love” and “relationship miracles,” too often we think that love, hope, and a little effort and patience are all we need to make a relationship work. Usually, it requires more than this.

If you want to dig deeper into how we can improve our romantic relationships and marriages, Terrence Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman all have great books about relationships with helpful, realistic, and practical advice grounded in years of psychotherapeutic practice and rigorous studies. You can read more about these books on our resources page.

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If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.

If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via YouAreTheRising@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.

Tag: Healing

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