One of the most common issues that people bring to the healing/growing process is, “What am I doing wrong? How have others managed to make good/stable/happy lives, but my life is kind of a mess?” Often we have a sense that if we could do something better or differently, or if we could just be a better or different person, then our lives would not be so hard or messy.
It turns out that it isn’t you. Despite what it might seem like from casual conversation or social media, things are kind of a mess for most people. Your mess and stress and problems are not because you are doing something wrong or something is wrong with you, but it is because we live in a world that isn’t set up for peace, well-being, connection, joy, or physical and emotional health. A significant part of the process of healing, growing, or making progress toward what you are longing for is learning, at a deep level, nothing is wrong with you and you aren’t somehow uniquely bad at doing life.
How do we do this?
The first thing to know is that there are multiple paths to the sort of life you are longing for. There is no one right way to do this. You might try something, it won’t work, and need to readjust and explore another path. It is a process of learn-as-you-go.
The second thing to know is that there are no easy answers. If someone tells you, “If only you do [this thing], then things will get better,” be skeptical. The process of healing, growing, and figuring out life is complex and has a lot of layers. You cannot meditate, work out, work hard, or pray enough to get the life you are longing for.
Third, you can’t do this on your own. We are wired for connection to other people. We know that even in the womb and in our earliest weeks, months, and years of life, our brain and sense of self forms based on our relationship with our caregivers. (See Attachment in Psychotherapy for some great summaries of this research). Our relationships in childhood and adulthood shape who we are and how we feel. We need healthy, strong, trusting, and caring relationships in order to make progress toward healing. This can be with friends, family, members of a religious community, neighbors, as well as with your therapist or a support group. Finding these people can be hard, but it is possible over time.
Fourth, the journey toward feeling that something is not fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are not somehow uniquely bad at doing life, is an iterative process. That is, we make some progress, then things are hard again. We improve in one area, we are struggling more in an other. There is no end to the path of making this world and our lives closer to what we are longing for. Just because it is still hard and you’re not all better, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Healing and growth are not linear processes.
Finally, try being curious and gentle with your challenges. If being hard on yourself worked, we would be all better by now. Rather than telling yourself that you aren’t doing enough, or good enough, try to take a step back and be curious. Think of your most loving caregiver, teacher, or relative and imagine how they might respond to someone struggling, and see if you can imagine what it would be like to approach yourself with the same level of compassion, care, and support.
I know most people try hard
to do good and find out too late
they should have tried softer.
― Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightening
_______________
If you found this article helpful, we encourage you to share it with others who might also benefit.
If you would like to dig into some of these issues deeper with Dr. Elizabeth Gish, author and lead psychotherapist for Lotus & Phoenix Psychotherapy, you can reach out via LotusPhoenixPsychotherapy@gmail.com. She provides in-person and remote therapy to clients across the United States and world except where prohibited by law.
Please note that this website is for informational purposes only. Nothing on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition. The use of the information provided on this site is at your own risk.
Lotus & Phoenix 